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i laughed out loud to this one

my pun of the year

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Sparky24/03/2010 22:21:10
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George Arnold01/04/2010 19:28:56
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Wife went into the kitchen and found her husband rushing round the kichen with a fly swat, she asked if he had killed any? yes he said, I have killed three male flies and two female flies, she said how do you know which are which?
 He said the three male flies where on the beer cans, and the two females where on the phone! Boom Boom
 
 George
Derek Lane01/04/2010 20:18:53
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Hope this is not too risky
 
RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humour impaired!

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
 
 
 
Had to keep it short as I have been here in Cirencester for 3 days home tomorrow and able to catch up with all the posts
dennis wake01/04/2010 21:09:25
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hi Derek
 
like the joke as for 2 reasens i was a stoker and i was also in the falklands conflict. only difrens i dident leave any thing down ther so i will not be able to claim the pension.
       keep them coming
dennis
George Arnold03/04/2010 11:56:45
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Nice one Derek I don't think it was to risque,for our broad minded forum!
 
 George
Doug04/04/2010 11:49:53
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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 

" I must confess darling , i was a hooker " .
" Thats alright my dear " the husband says , 

" your past is your past , but I must admit I find it rather erotic , tell me about it " . 

The wife says " Well , my name was Nigel and I played for Gloucester".
 
 
Made me spit me coffee out,  happy easter all.
 
Baz. 
George Arnold04/04/2010 18:53:28
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1834 forum posts
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A misunderstanding
 
 The local manor house was advertising for staff, one of the lads from the village went for an interview with the lady of the house. She asked him a series of questions, she asked to see his hands, as she explained he would have to wait on table when they held large  gatherings at the manor also he would have to wear livery and asked him to turn round so as she could see his legs to make sure they would look alright in breeches, she said every thing was fine and could she now see his" testimonials'" but he never got the job through a misunderstanding!
 
 George
Old timer06/04/2010 17:41:20
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Two chaps were puttying up some large  letters, on the side of a building, one of them over reached when fitting the letter O. and slipped and fell to his death, later his friend said to his mate , we should have a headstone for Joe, so they went to see the stone mason to arrange it, the stone mason asked what words they would like on the headstone, they thought for a moment and one said put  this on the stone “ Hear lies the body of my old friend Joe who fell to his death through a hole in an O , it could have worse or it could have been better but he went the way he came through a hole in a letter”>>

Old timer06/04/2010 17:54:02
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Have you herd the one about the fellow that went into a shop to perches  a pair of wellys, after several days he went back to the shop and told the shop assistant that the wellys were hurting his feet, so the assistant said can I have a look Sir, Oh said the assistant you have them on the wrong feet, he proceeded to explain that there was an L in the one for his left foot and an R in the one for his right foot, so the fellow then put them on the correct feet and said oh that’s better, later that day his wife asked how he had got on about his wellys, Oh he said it is ease, the one for my left foot has an L in it the other has R for my right foot, Ah explained his wife now I know what the C & A  in my draws is for.>>

arryB13/04/2010 00:08:03
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38 forum posts
6 photos

A woman decieded to comit suicide. 'Ah! but how shall I do it she thought?
She looked things up on the web and read, 'shooting through the heart' was instant!
Thats for me she thought but, 'Where exactly is the heart?'
She looked that up on the web.
The heart is situated just below the left breast - she read.
 
That night she was admitted to hospital with a gunshot wound to her lef knee.
 
arryB
Woodchip11/05/2010 15:11:50
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380 forum posts
7 photos
Derek,
 
I like the joke. Nice One..
 
I was a Navy man 1954-64..
 
I left something in Port Said...  My Innocence!
 
John
 
 
Tommy mc glynn 111/05/2010 19:23:50
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291 forum posts
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woodwork teacher says to the student that is nice your doing a good job of it.
the student says thanks it is a portable.
a portable what says the teacher?
i don't know yet says the student i only made the handle yet !
George Arnold11/05/2010 21:29:19
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1834 forum posts
191 photos
It was a dark and stormy night, and the old Scottish shepherd was just settling down for the night, when there came a knock on the door,when he opened the door a man with a strong  foreign accent asked if he could give him shelter for the night. come in said the shepherd I will be glad of the company, they got talking and it turned out the man was Russian spy . the shepherd said that was alright, they would sort that out in the morning, the man said I must also tell you I am a homosexual. the shepherd said , that's okay we have an old proverb that covers the situation ,
 
 "Red spy at night shepherds delight"
 
 George
dennis wake12/05/2010 07:18:40
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real british humour
   a big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the richter scale has hit pakistan. two million pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
   the country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start  with providing help to rebuild. the rest of the world is in shock.
   saudi arabia is sending oil, latin american countries are sending supplies, new zealand is sending sheep,cattle and food crops.
  the asian continents are sending labour to assist in the rebuilding infrastructure, the usa is sending troops, australlia is sending medical teams and supplias, britain, not to be outdone is sending two million pakistanis as replacements.
 
 hope this dose not afend any one as it is not intended.
dennis

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